


Never Again

by Glamalien



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-24
Updated: 2013-02-24
Packaged: 2017-12-03 12:15:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/698140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glamalien/pseuds/Glamalien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam and friends have a BBQ party, but Sauli seems not to have so much fun...<br/>This lead to a drastic painful decision.<br/>But Adam hid something different...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Again

**Author's Note:**

> So, first of all: sorry!  
> Sorry because it's my first M/M fic, because it's my first fic here, because english it's not my mothertongue so I don't even want to know how many mistakes I made D:  
> What I wrote has a source in a dream I had some nights ago.  
> Hope I didn't a mess and hope you enjoy reading!

It was a beautiful sunny Sunday and finally Adam succeeded in organizing his so coveted barbeque party in the backyard of his parents summer estate. He hadn’t a real purpose or an extraordinary reason why to do that, he only wanted to gather his family and friends to spend some time together.  
At least this was his official -but not really true- version of his invitation he had to tell.  
By the way he had thought of every smallest detail to be in their place and luckily everyone seemed to appreciate and have a lot of fun.  
Neil was carefully cooking meat on the grill with an improvised master chef spirit; Eber was checking that everything went well, especially his youngest son and fire; all the ladies, Leila included, were without any doubt chatting and giggling about all that girly-gossip stuff and Adam himself was quietly talking about some strange and secret plans with Tommy Joe.  
Everything and everyone felt so in the right place of Adam canvas, shining bright and happy with big smiles on their faces.  
Except one.  
Sauli didn’t seem to enjoy this sort of party, he had been excited when his boyfriend told him what he was going to do, and he even offered for an help.  
Right now the idea was slowly fading from glittering and shocking colors to a sad and poor gray.  
In that moment the Finnish blonde felt like he was a wrong spot of tempera wrongly and absently fallen into Adam’s picture.  
Everyone around him was laughing, singing, talking, being carefree, but no one was approaching him, as he was a stranger. He was all alone swinging on the hammock, with his beer on his hand, watching that garden from the outside.  
A dark shade of thoughts started to invade his own mind, some old and buried ideas were now resurfacing up again and pushing him to check –now or never- if they really weren’t the truth he tried often to ignore.  
He stood up from his place and walked slowly towards his lover, who was still talking with so much involvement with his friend.  
While Sauli was not too far from them, he noticed a very quick glimpse escaping the blue of Adam’s eyes and he could bet that the strange couple had changed the topic of their conversation as soon as he reached and cuddled to his boyfriend’s freckled arm.  
“Hey baby…” he whispered lasciviously in his ear while sweetly rubbing the nose on his firm neck, but Adam didn’t catch the hint and didn’t reply to the man’s trick. He only pulled him just a little bit closer tracing the arm around his waist, keeping his focus on that damn conversation with TJ.  
What the hell was going wrong?  
Sauli decided to give up and unlaced himself from the black-haired man’s grip, he took a few steps on the grass trying not to draw too much attention, even if this last situation wasn’t so difficult., then he entered the house , he climbed upstairs in the host bedroom and let him fall dead weight on the mattress, closing his eyes and heavily sighing out his nostrils.  
That wasn’t bodily tiredness or boredom, that was his mind exploding from all the doubts, the thoughts, the fears and the awareness that run through all day long, and even before.  
He was now about to make his definitive decision , to tidy up all his brainy mess and risk every single consequence.  
He stood up and walked to the other side of the room, took his bag out of the closet and picked up his few clothes and stuff he brought there to spend the weekend night with Adam, haphazardly throwing them inside of it.  
He took another heavy breath out of his lungs, and sat at the small desk below the window. Out of the glass he could see the same scene he was in no much time before, and this only reassured his convictions: nothing changed.  
He pulled out a piece of paper and a pen from the drawer and began writing down everything he wanted to say in that moment to Adam.  
He repeated himself more and more time that that wasn’t a coward escape, but a simpler way out, without too much disturb.  
The ink filling the empty lines told the singer everything went through Sauli’s head in the last week, that strange idea and doubt that made him have terrible nightmares.  
Sauli was leaving, because he felt it was proper this way, he was leaving because Adam’s life seemed to his eyes so perfect, even before his presence.  
He had a great family, great friends and he surely didn’t need a ballast on his side to take always care and attention of.  
He was only a weight to his heartedness, the Finnish guy who steadily needed a help to understand and figure out what was happening in an environment that wasn’t his. It was more than a broken English to handle.  
He was leaving because he wanted to give Adam back all the liberty and fresh air he denied him during those years together.  
The Finn hadn’t a real plan of what doing next, but his priority now was reaching as soon as possible their -yet not for much- apartment and disappear the same way he invaded Adam’s life.  
He called a cab and waited for that, no one still not noticing his absence. Perfect, that wouldn’t be difficult. He went downstairs, reaching the front door and exiting it without afterthoughts.  
Meanwhile in the backyard Adam was finally putting a full stop to the never-ending conversation with Tommy.  
“so, should I do that very soon now, huh?”  
“Definitively, bro! Go, find him and bring him back here. I’m so freaked out you’ve really confided this to me!” Tommy Joe, giggling, pushed his friend shoulder urging him to move and look to his boyfriend.  
Adam entered the empty house, quite sure that his man had to be in bathroom, but he noticed a deadly silence.  
Actually all the rooms were empty; he peeked on their bedroom and focused on the piece of paper lying on the blankets. A strange feeling and fear shivers suddenly ran through his veins.  
He approached the bed, sat on the border and opened the letter: was Sauli’s calligraphy.  
He read every single word with extreme care, as if was possible to him to mistake something. But that letter was too damn clear and it hurt more than a shot in the head.  
“FUCK!” he yelled out, his temples began to swell as he tried to keep calm. With no results.  
Adam threw every single object within rich up in the air, pouring out all his rage and pain and disappointment.  
In that moment Tommy entered the room, worried by the fact that the couple wasn’t back yet, and saw the desperate condition of his buddy.  
“Hey, calm down man, what are you doing? What’s wrong?”  
Adam turned with a painful and suffering grimace. “He’s gone. HE’S FUCKING GONE!” he shouted out, starting to cry and falling in Tommy arms’ embrace.  
“Hush. He couldn’t be that far. You can find him. Go. I make up something to the guests.”  
The singer analyzed his friend’s word and suddenly remembered the old road that brought to the city in less time than the main road. Whatever way Sauli choose, he would spend less time than him. He had to, to save his life.  
“Thank you Tommy.” Without waiting any other word Adam ran in a flash of lightening down the stairs and jumped in his car in very few seconds, no time to lose.  
He got to his house, pedal to the metal, in very few minutes. Thank God police wasn’t in his way.  
The house seemed still locked as they left in the morning. A shadow of fears and doubt fell in Adam’s mind “what if he doesn’t come here?” but then he tried to convince himself that Sauli could only take that choice. “He couldn’t even fly without his passport, sooner or later he should come home. And I’ll wait all time necessarily.”  
He got inside their house, dark and empty and he could imagine how it would be if he really lose his half.  
Another tear escaped his eyes while he’s getting upstairs in their bedroom. Many others followed as he pulled the suitcases and leaned them on the bed.  
That was the plan. If Sauli wanted to leave, the suitcases were ready for him, before he even knew that.  
Adam set on the corner of the room next to the door, waiting, crying and burying his head in his knees.  
What he had to do now is only wait to the storm.

*  
As the cab left from the sidewalk, Sauli opened the door of the big house he lived in for almost three years. “C’mon Sauli, it’s not time now to get sentimental. Go on.”  
He climbed up the stairs to the main bedroom and abruptly stopped in front of the door, full view of the bed, his suitcases wide open and his boyfriend like a defenseless cat curled on the floor.  
“Is this what you wanted, right? You wanna leave…right, that’s ok, it’s your choice. It shouldn’t be so hard for you to pack fast and go, and disappear like nothing. And, if you want me to, I can help you, but just…” Adam stood up from his little corner and walked to face Sauli, still silently standing on the threshold of the room. “I just want to know a fucking thing.”  
Adam took a light grip on Sauli’s wrist and dragged his body toward his direction, slammed him roughly against the wall and trapped him with his arms pinned besides the tanned Finn’s face.  
“Why have you thought all this? I did everything wrong with you… Did I overlook something you needed? Did I fail something? Tell me what I slipped up, tell me what went so bad to deserve such a punishment, to lose you forever in a blink. Even death would be nicer to me, than not catching your beautiful eyes staring at me in the morning when I’m getting awake, or feeling your body cuddling and crouching against mine. But now, just tell me what, Sauli! Just talk to me.”  
Adam hushed and looked down at Sauli, with full, burning red, swollen and wet eyes, waiting for the answer, ready for a stab right in his heart.  
Still up against the wall, motionless and helpless with a similar wet and painful glance, Sauli found a way out to his silence.  
“You did anything wrong, Adam. It’s just that I felt like… like I’m not enough for you most of the time. Like I’ll never be able to reach the same level that other people had set with you. I have never made you laugh the way Tommy does for example.  
More I tried to be like them, the more I looked like a fool. I looked like a stupid infatuated guy who tries all his best to reach at all costs his crush. All this situation is a vicious circle, because doing that, I’m even more stupid, and idiot, and fool than the others, different and unsuitable.  
And today at the barbeque, by totally ignoring me, you made me believe and accept this theory I’ve long denied to myself and…”  
The dark boy silenced the blond one with a finger on his trembling lips and interrupted his stream.  
“That’s the point, Sauli. It’s all you said right now that makes you my whole life, indeed.  
You make me smile inside, I don’t need that you tell me a silly joke to make me laugh lout like a crazy. I wanna hug you, hold you tight there for hours and hours, in a holy silence without saying a single word, without speaking, because my heartbeats would do that at my place.  
And if you hadn’t all this confusion and thoughts in your head, then you would hear them saying how I love you to death, that you are the only person who gave my chaos an order, a balance; that you are the only one who knows every single piece of my messy life and can keep them together; that you are the only one who keeps getting me all flattery when you smile. You are really my personal Finnish midnight sun that could shine so bright even during the toughest nights. You brought me that love and that happiness that I couldn’t believe to live or feel again once I lost them. I could never and never let you slip away. Not if I’m fully sane.”  
“But today you…”  
“Yeah, I know I’ve ignored you today. I did it on purpose, well.. not this of you running away.”  
Adam rested his arms along his hips and peacefully started to lower his body in front of a messy confused Sauli, bending a knee and putting a hand into his jeans pocket as he was searching for something and he took out a small black velvet box. Finally he put his knee on the floor, still handing the box and watching up to Sauli, he stated again:  
“I should have done this in a totally different circumstance and with all the other guys ready to choke you in hugs and kisses but..” Adam slowly opened the small box, revealing a shining silver band, so simple but at the same time so stunning at the view.  
“Sauli Eerik Koskinen you are all my life and the most awesome, gorgeous, amazing person I could ever know and love. And if you let me, I would like it to last forever. Will you marry me?”  
That paralyzing sentenced escaped his mouth and lips, soaked by his own joyful and liberation tears.  
Sauli watched his love with a lost look, so confused and astonished, like a puppy, then a soft whisper barely reached Adam’s ears. “Kyllä”.  
Adam stared a little bit unsecure of what he has really understood, and soon his boyfriend gives him the answer he only dared to think, shouting out with all his left breath “Yes! Yes! Yes!”  
The tall boy put the band around the skinny finger of his now fiancé, he got up on his unstable shaking legs and then both of them, pushed by their natural instincts, hugged each other so tight they may lose their breaths.  
After a while, that could have been a second as well as an eternity, the couple parted and Sauli watched spellbound his now shining adorned ring-finger.  
“I’ve been so fucking stupid”  
“And me too for letting you believe all those crappy things without realizing it. Forgive me.”  
As a reply the blonde released his past pain in a wet passionate kiss with his man, that soon leaded them to be naked, panting and twisted under the sheets, loving each other more than ever.  
“I love you so much Sauli. Never forget or doubt this.”  
“Nope. Never again.”


End file.
